simplicity parenting through the brokenness

i look for solace when the world seems upside down.

i minimize the voices and seek to find peace.

as i would walk through difficulties, internalizing my struggles, i naively thought i was protecting my children from the stressors and troubles of the world.

yet, children are little detectives and when something is out of line for mama, they notice, they internalize. it affects every single area of their being.

i’ve learned that it is not right to merely ignore the brokenness of humanity in front of your children.

instead, you must intentionally hold their hands through it.

when we leave them to their own devices, they learn, they hear, they discover, and they are afraid. they do not know how to process the horrors that they hear of. this causes them to experience an internal state of fight or flight, battling within themselves, thoughts and emotions they do not understand and are unable to vocalize.

what we must do is provide comfort, rhythm, and stability. we must give them a sense of security while acknowledging the brokenness and mourning for it. we must show them that there is peace and they can rest in it, even in the midst of hardship.

we must give them the tools to press forward when troubles arise. we must give them the tools to vocalize their internal anxieties. we must give them the tools to be life-givers and life-sustainers when the world around them rises up. we must raise peacemakers by providing our children with the tools to be at peace.

the pillars of simplicity parenting give us a framework for creating this type of external and internal peace. we give our children a sense of security by creating a simplified environment and daily rhythms. we help our children to weather the storms of life when we filter out the adult world and walk them through difficulties with our guidance, assurance, self-control, and our own internal peace and rhythm.

as we navigate the world’s brokenness and chaos, we must find peace and bring peace to our children.

if you need help implementing the simplicity parenting principles in your home in order to help your children through this difficult time, reach out. as a simplicity parenting family life coach, i can give you the tools you need.

Simple Homeschool 101

I don’t really understand the 101 when people are doing something for beginners, but whatev. It’s cool. It’s the thing to do, so Simple Homeschool 101 it is. Anyway.

Homeschooling is getting pretty big these days, right? I don’t know about you, but when we began homeschooling 12 years ago, there was utter shock, confusion, and repulsion 9 out of 10 times when we told people how our kids were educated. Now, it’s like 2 out of 10.  Most people respond pretty positively these days. So there’s definitely been a cultural shift.

But with that cultural shift has come the pressure of it all. Blogs, books, Instagram, Facebook, podcasts, all of it has added to the pressure of being the raddest homeschooling supermom on the planet and doing everything and using the best stuff and, and, and.

Homeschooling has become the new way to keep up with the Joneses. We are wearing ourselves out and forgetting about that freedom that homeschooling brings, which is probably a huge part of why we chose to homeschool in the first place. Do as much as you want, but don’t think you MUST do all the stuff. Don’t think that it’s necessary. Because if you do, you’re just going to feel defeated all.the.time.

There’s a super simple way to homeschool. It relieves pressure. It gives you freedom. And it allows you the time to add in whatever aesthically-pleasing Instagram suggestion that you want to if you choose to. It’s what I call Simple Homeschooling 101.

• READ BOOKS – books at home, library books, books from thrift stores, books on any subject you want. be choosy. you can read only living books or you can be less picky. but your kids can learn pretty much anything by reading.
• COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS- you can legit buy a bunch of these super cheap and do literally everything in them. copy work, creative writing, narrations, art notebooking, math, any sort of grammar, science, notes, anything.
• ONLINE MATH- In order to reduce the stuff that goes along with math, use an online math curriculum. you can either go the free route at khan academy or purchase an account at ctc math or teaching textbooks (which is now online and doesn’t need an actual textbook)
• PLAY OUTSIDE- get you and the kids outside. play, explore, observe.
• TALK- talk to your kids about what they’re learning, ask questions, listen, make up stories, talk about events, ideas, just talk to each other.
• USE HANDS- draw, paint, clay, sew, knit, build, dig, cook, bake, cut, glue. anything your kids do with their hands where they are making something is perfect. they just need to create something. it doesn’t need to be super intense.

Here’s the thing. Whevener I bring up this simple homeschooling method, people object, “BUT High School!” Guys, this method works for high school too. Because here’s the thing; as they get older, this stuff just grows with them. So the books they’re reading get longer, deeper, and more challenging. The ideas stretch. The discussions become longer and more serious. Topics read about become more focused and personalized. You add in things as necessary, staying simple.

Want to add in a language? Find an online program and use your composition book. Need a more in-depth writing or grammar program? Choose the one you want to use, do your work in the notebook. Guys, this is so simple. And as they get older they’ll begin to use their hands on their passions. Animation, filmmaking, writing, fashion design, whatever it is, they’ll utilize those skills they learned by using their hands when they were younger and use them in a more focused way.

If you use this basic framework you’ll be hitting all your musts, while leaving room to add in whatever awesome extras you want to. Add in nature journals, watercolor notebooking, morning basket, poetry tea time, composer study, Shakespeare, whatever. Just don’t feel like you have to.

Homeschooling isn’t a competition. It’s a beautiful, freeing way to live and learn. So free yourself by releasing expectations. Do your basics and go from there. Some seasons you’ll be able to add in a ton of extras. Some seasons you won’t. When you understand the simple way to homeschool you won’t feel like a failure in those seasons, you’ll know you’re doing enough and you’ll be able to rest in that.

Simplified Homeschool, Peaceful Homeschool (and seven great curriculums for minimalists)

Homeschooling is one of the things that adds beauty to the simple family. While definitely not a necessity, it’s just one of those extra choices that can help a family to slow down, embrace each moment, and draw near to each other. I hear so often though how people come  to homeschooling imagining this beautiful, togetherness experience, and end up with stress, overwhelmed, and way. too. much. stuff. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the “stuff” of homeschooling, just as it is with everything in life. These mamas buy loads of curriculum, art supplies, manipulatives, set up a classroom, more curriculum, then more curriculum, and just when they are sure they found the perfect curriculum, they buy more. They stress themselves out thinking they have to do dry brush painting in nature journals at least once a week, read aloud daily to children who are breakdancing on the floor and don’t seem to be hearing a thing, and feel guilt if they use too much technology. Where’s my peaceful homeschool and why do I feel so overwhelmed all the time, they wonder?

I have long espoused the concept of simplicity homeschooling, or as my friend I’ve never met (thank you social media!) Jane over at Salty Tribe Co has coined, minimalist homeschooling. Our homeschools are just another area of life where we can simplify, strip things down to the bare bones, find what brings us peace and joy and USE ONLY THAT. Only two things are needed when you simplify your homeschool; atmosphere and tools.

Atmosphere

What I consider to be the most important aspect of a homeschool, atmosphere is literally the environment we create in our homes for living and learning. Mamas are uniquely capable of creating atmosphere, and honestly, it rests on our shoulders. We decide what we want learning and life in our homes to look like, and we make it happen. If we are not diligent, the atmosphere we desire fails. In my home, we look to the philosophy of Charlotte Mason for our atmosphere, a philosophy which embodies the simple and lovely. Great literature, artwork, music, handwork, chores, poetry, working together, having discussions, spending time on nature; these things make up our atmosphere. We spend our days surrounded by that which matters to us, creating the perfect environment for us to live and learn. There is no stress in trying to force something that we think we should do but doesn’t fit us, there is merely the choice of what we value and want for our family, and the implementation of that.

*To help create your atmosphere, name three adjectives that describe what you want for your home, family, and life. Then, figure out what you need to let go of in order to bring these adjectives to fruition and then, actually let them go. Determine if there is anything you need to add to help in creating your atmosphere and implement it.

Tools

Second to atmosphere comes tools. Tools are the physical objects we use for learning in our home. For some, their main tools are curriculum, while for others such as unschoolers, tools are whatever is needed for their current learning path.

While looking to simplify our homes and homeschools, we seek to only utilize the best tools for our family, accumulating as little stuff as possible, and ridding ourselves of that which 1) we don’t use 2) we don’t like 3) doesn’t fit our chosen atmosphere.

To my knowledge, the best curriculums for a simple little homeschool are:

• A Charlotte Mason curriculum such as Ambleside Online, A Gentle Feast, or Wildwood Curriculum. These are great for a simplified homeschool because many of the books used in the curriculums are in the public domain and so you will be able to download for free on a tablet instead of adding to your bookshelf (although, I know, if you’re like me, adding to your bookshelf makes you happy). Other work can just be done in composition books. The guides that go along with A Gentle Feast are PDF and can just be used off the tablet or computer or you can buy them printed and bound. Artists, composers, even nature study resources can be found online.
• Easy Peasy All-in-One Curriculum. Most everything is online but the content is lovely and user friendly.
• The Robinson Curriculum. While I don’t necessarily endorse the actual curriculum (the creator had some very interesting ideas and lifestyle rules), the concept is very simple and very helpful. Read, write, math. All other subjects learned through reading. Reading is done for hours a day, from mainly older books which would all be in the public domain and free to download on a tablet. You can find the booklist he uses in his curriculum online, or make your own booklist choosing from Ambleside, Wildwood, and Robinson. Other materials would be composition books and math books.
• The Peaceful Press. My friend Jennifer created this incredible curriculum. You can print it up or keep it on the computer in pdf format for a more minimalist option. Crafts are simple and required books can be purchased, read on kindle, or borrowed from the library. And the aesthetic is so beautifully simple, it really is a minimalist’s dream. Try The Peaceful Preschool, The Playful Pioneers, or The Precious People.
• The Good and the Beautiful. This is an amazingly beautiful curriculum designed by Jenny Phillips. Not much is required other than the course books and (few) materials that go with them. Many subjects are combined; the Language Arts course includes literature, grammar, composition, art, and geography. They are very affordable (some are free!) and some of the most beautiful, high quality curriculum I have ever seen. You can watch Jane’s TGATB reviews here.

In our home, we combine all of these curricula in our own way, utilizing the tools that work for our family, bolstered by the foundation of our atmosphere. Things run smoothly and simply, we work together and individually, and all of our materials for 6 kids (including art and handwork supplies) fit in four small baskets and three drawers. We have a rhythm to our days, weaving the usage of our tools throughout, focusing on the simple, gentle, lovely things in life.

Homeschool really can be simplified, materials minimized, and life made peaceful. Create your  atmosphere and use the tools that work for your family.

Because I have to

You guys, remember when I wrote that post that Scary Mommy published? And I had to tell myself a million times NOT to read the comments on Facebook. And then I DID read the comments on Facebook. And I was like, why oh why did I read the comments on Facebook.

I’ve lost my voice since then. I just stopped writing about parenting. And then I did this totally stupid thing on Insta, I polled my audience about what they prefer I post about. And only half liked my parenting posts. And I was again just taken aback and confused.

It’s strange to be that person who claims to not care what others think and find yourself caring about what others think. Find yourself silencing your own voice because people don’t get you or don’t agree with you or whatever. And you kind of walk around in a haze because something is missing from your life, and it’s this thing that you’re the most passionate about, and you feel kind of like a shadow of yourself.

I don’t know why our passions are such a necessary part of who we are and why we feel less than whole when we stifle them, but that’s kinda how it is. I think God gives us these passions and we’re supposed to nurture them, to do something with them, and that’s why so many adults are unfulfilled because they neglect their passions for the sake of being grown up and working. In true millennial fashion, I believe you can work on what you’re passionate about and be incredibly successful.

So I will. And I’m not going to care about Facebook comments or Instagram preferences. I’m going to do my thing. I’m going to talk about why we should be respectful to our kids and give them a voice, why we shouldn’t punish them, and why we need all the freaking essential oils to help us out.

And when you want my help, I’m going to be here to answer your questions, and I’m going to refresh my coaching page so you know what I cost. Because guys, this gentle parenting journey is hard. And if you’re a Christian like I am, it’s exceptionally hard, because it’s least accepted among Christians. But we’ve gotta keep on because the way we raise our kids can change the world. And I’ve gotta keep on because when I don’t share my heart, I suck.

Simple Gentle Parenting Tool Kit

When I was a new parent, a well meaning older mother gave me a bit of unsolicited advice. She told me to be sure and always keep some things in my “parenting tool kit,” that they would be needed almost daily and easy access was key to success. She told me to always keep these things on hand, whether in a basket at home or in my purse if we were out: something to spank with, a notebook and pen for making check marks to tally bad behavior, a water bottle (this was in case the child had been crying), and the Bible (I am a lover of the Bible, but in the context this mama was using it, I was not a fan).

I never followed her advice. I knew for sure that I was not that kind of parent, though I didn’t yet know what type of parent I was. So I ignored her tool kit and did my own thing. As time went on, my husband and I discovered and embraced the type of parents that we were, and as more time went on, we began to guide other parents on their journeys. Then I remembered that tool kit. And it made me sad. So, I decided to create my own, a gentle parenting tool kit.

Anyone can build a gentle parenting tool kit and I promise, it will be a worthwhile addition to your family. This tool kit can be used to continue peace or to promote it. Instead of using harsh punishments to change behavior, calm a tantrum, or reconnect,  use the tools that work best for your children in this tool kit (and of course, add your own as you see fit). You simply need:

• Cozy blankets – we have a large pile of blankets in our living room; afghans, quilts, fleece. Coziness and comfort is one of the top things that helps to settle troubled hearts. When my kids are worked up and crying or yelling, gently wrapping them up in a blanket helps them to get their bearings back. The added benefit is the big hug from mama that happens when they get the blanket wrapped around them. I know this seems overly simplistic, but I’m telling you, a cozy blanket works wonders.
• Fave books – Books work best for connection in down time or re-connection after a tantrum has ceased. Although they can be a great distraction from a tantrum for toddlers. When the little dude is yelling and hitting as we all know two year olds can, I can typically sit him on my lap, grab one of his board books, and start reading. Usually by page three he’s chill. For the bigger kids though, a book doesn’t typically stop their emotions. It does promote the cozy atmosphere needed for re-connecting after emotions have run high. You can also add the Bible in here as a rebuttal to the other mom’s tool kit. While she included the Bible in order to reprimand and bring guilt, I would read the Bible with the kids in order to promote grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
• Water – another simplistic tool. You’ll notice this one was also in the other mom’s tool kit. There is a double purpose to water in the gentle parenting tool kit. One purpose is that if the child has been throwing a fit, they will need water once they calm down. The other purpose can be to help them calm down. One of my kids gets so lost in themself when they are upset, that they just keep crying until something stops them for just a second. Water works wonderfully for that quick pause. I offer water to her, she usually takes a sip. That few seconds of sipping water causes her to come back to herself, and afterwards she is levelheaded and ready to talk and re-connect.
• Calm-down jars – You can read all about these on L.R. Knost’s blog, but I will simply say they are an easy and very effective tool for calming tantrums in your little ones. It’s another distraction that helps them get ahold of themselves after they’ve worked through those big emotions and are ready to move on.
• Art supplies – another tool for working through emotions. Not necessarily effective for calming a tantrum, but very helpful for walking through the aftermath. Also a great activity when redirection is necessary.
• Books for mama and papa –  I am the kind of person who needs constant affirmation, encouragement, and support for my endeavors, so I always have a great parenting book in my current reads pile. Many books I have read over and over again. It’s a sort of coaching and encouragement to me, and helps me to have ideas at the ready when I am at a loss for how to proceed. Some of my top picks are The Gentle Parent by L.R. Knost, The Awakened Family by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl, Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon, The Soul of Discipline, and Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.
• doTERRA’s Emotional Aromatherapy Diffused or Touch Kit – This is such an important part of the tool kit and has been a total game changer in our home. Not only do I know what to diffuse during the day to maintain a relative peace, but I am able to change what is diffusing to address any needs that arise. The touch kit is incredibly helpful when the kids are in the midst of tantrum or frustration. A little Peace to the back of the neck or Console on the temples and there is an immediate calming effect. I have begun recommending either the diffused or touch kits to my coaching clients because I can’t really imagine parenting without them at this point. I even offer a huge discount on the diffused kit because I am that passionate about it.
• Smart Phone – I’m not even ashamed. When all else fails, or when I’m out and have nothing else with me for some reason, this little beauty does the trick. My top choices for helping my upset kiddos with a smart phone are nature videos and train videos, though sometimes a toddler puzzle or coloring app does the trick.

You’ll notice that some of these tools are used for connection and working through issues, while others are for calming and helping during tantrums or melt-downs. Both are important, both are necessary for gentle parenting. You can’t reconnect or work through an issue while the child is in the midst of chaos manifesting on their outside, you need to weather that storm first, and then walk through the cause together.

These are some super simple things you can start building your gentle parenting tool kit with right this minute, and begin to add peace to your home and family. What else would you add to your tool kit?

 

A simple life, an abundant life

 

I was raised with everything I wanted. A lawyer dad married to an incredible woman, and a mom married to an optometrist who owned his own practice. If I wanted something, I asked for it and typically received it. I didn’t feel spoiled or overwhelmed, in fact I never really contemplated my stuff much at all. What I did know was that I liked having the things I wanted, I liked being comfortable, I liked life. So when I became a parent at the age of 19, I knew three things… 1) Don’t spank. 2) Be nice. 3) Buy things for your kids as much as possible. Fifteen years into this parenting gig and I still wholeheartedly believe the first two, but number three, well, that idea was retired.

My husband was raised completely differently, and yet, when we married, he had come to the same conclusions. He was the youngest of four children with a single mom. His family wasn’t close and they had no money, or at least, he never saw the fruit of any money. Never getting new shoes or Christmas presents, having electricity turned off in the middle of winter with snow on the ground, having to scrounge for his own food at the earliest age, he determined to have his own family one day and to give his children everything they wanted. He felt lack of care and attention, he didn’t know comfort, and he imagined that gifts and things would show a love and care that he never knew.

So we began our family and began to buy things as much as we possibly could. We accumulated. And as child after child came into our lives, it was like this invitation to accumulate more.  Fortunately we discovered simplicity and minimalism around the time when we were feeling consumed and drowning. It was this obvious, eye opening thing; my husband felt anxious at home, my twins were having difficulty controlling themselves and communicating, and everywhere around us was stuff. There was nowhere to go to find peace, there was nowhere in our home to breathe. It was finally enough.

We went through and continue to go through the usual process, the piles of things, the sorting, the consideration of purpose and joy. Little by little, we are creating an atmosphere of peace. With nine people under one roof there is plenty of chaos, and the stuff was just adding to that. Slowly it is calming. Slowly we have found a new way.

My husband still gets feelings of guilt. He doesn’t want to deny the kids things, he doesn’t want them to feel as he did growing up. I am constantly reminding him 1) You are not keeping things they need from them, merely limiting the excess, the unnecessary. 2) You are an amazing, loving, attentive parent. You were not only denied material items as a child, you felt a lack of love and care too. You are giving them the most important thing.

He’s not alone in feeling the guilt. Society teaches us that giving things to people shows them you care and that getting things from people shows you that you are cared for. When we remove that aspect of relationship, we have to take a step back and start over. We have to find other ways to show care, and we have to remind ourselves that a listening ear from someone shows us they care for us.

Creating a simple life for our families does not mean lack, in fact it’s the exact opposite, it means an abundance, but an abundance of what really matters; love, peace, consideration, time, room to think, freedom to grow, a place and relationships where you can simply be.

Stick around at the Simple Little Life blog, follow me on Instagram @simplelittleamy, and I hope to inspire you in your journey towards a simple life for your family.